Euphoria …. Euphoria is often described as “a state of intense excitement or happiness,” differing from ecstasy in that euphoric feelings are sometimes exaggerated or irrational.
Clare and I experienced euphoria many times, but none after
her AD decline rapidly worsened.
Fortunately, however, even during her steep decline … I often referred
to that period as her spiral descent into a never-ending, bottomless back hole
… we were still able to experience occasional moments of happiness together. When we kissed, when we held hands, when we
cuddled, when we sang songs together, when we went out to eat by ourselves or
with our closest friends … until her final days, we were still able to
experience brief moments of genuine happiness.
Each of those moments of happiness took on more meaning as
they became more and more infrequent.
Each experience was very special to me.
But euphoric? Intense
excitement or happiness? No … those euphoric
experiences were now clearly in our past, just as those experiences of ecstasy.
It’s very hard to feel euphoric about anything when one’s
spouse does not remember who you are, or that you are husband and wife. Or when your spouse no longer recognizes your
children and grandchildren. Or when you
have to help your spouse with the most basic tasks of daily living, such as personal
hygiene. Or when your spouse is unable
to have a conversation, or is having difficulty swallowing food, or experiencing
all of those behaviors that characterize end stages of AD … it’s just very
hard.
Euphoria … an emotion I no longer experienced with
Clare once her AD worsened severely as she descended into that bottomless black
hole.
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Excitement … when
Clare “was Clare,” I got excited about so many things with her. Our frequent
mini-trips to visit with family and friends, our longer trips to explore places
all around the world, were incredibly exciting and wonderful experiences.
I was excited each time we’d take the train into the city to
see a Broadway play or visit a museum, often following a delicious lunch in one
of the many ethnic restaurants in the city, either just by ourselves or with
family or friends.
It was exciting to be retired at such a young age (mid 50s)
and able to sleep late whenever we wanted to do so, or have a leisurely
breakfast in our kitchen, or go out to eat for breakfast or lunch on a weekday!
And it was exciting to just play a leisurely board game or
card game at our kitchen table while drinking coffee on a cold and snowy winter
weekday, knowing we didn’t have to leave our house if we didn’t want to do so. We were excited to simply enjoy whatever we
wanted to do … or not do … on any given day in retirement!
It was exciting to know that virtually any plans we had for
any particular day could be changed at the last minute … because, as retirees,
almost anything we had planned to do could be postponed until another day or
time!
However, as Clare’s AD worsened, those feelings of
excitement faded more and more … until they stopped completely. It became increasingly difficult to become
excited about anything.
Excitement … another feeling that went away as
Clare’s AD worsened over time.
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Exhaustion … Once
Clare was in an assisted living facility, I came home from my visits feeling
thoroughly exhausted. Physically,
mentally, emotionally … just totally exhausted.
On those evenings, I usually went straight to bed and fell
asleep while watching TV …. often after a good cry. That surprised me because, after I had placed
Clare, I had expected that I would feel less exhausted than when I was serving
as her 24/7 caregiver at home.
Before her placement, I felt exhausted all the time. Answering the same questions over and over
again was exhausting. Searching for
things that Clare misplaced each day was exhausting. Repeating myself over and over again was exhausting.
Daily battles over ADLs … Activities of Daily Living such as
bathing, dressing, eating, taking medication, personal hygiene, etc. … were
exhausting. Especially after some of
those battles were now starting to lead to heated arguments because Clare often
refused my help when she absolutely needed my help.
After her placement in the assisted living facility, I
didn’t have to deal with everything on my plate that I had to deal with as her
24/7 caregiver at home. Other than
helping her in the bathroom during my visits, and sometimes having to change
her clothing, I really didn’t have to deal with her ADLs anymore. So … why was I so exhausted every single day
and night?
I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I only know that it was my reality.
Exhaustion … AD has a way of exhausting spouse
caregivers, even when those spouses are living apart.
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