Personal Blog #45 … An AD Spouse Caregiver’s Emotions, Part 9 … Regret and Suffering … 6/4/25

 

Regret … I have many regrets as a result of Clare’s Alzheimer’s disease (AD) diagnosis.  Obviously, first and foremost, I regret how much Clare suffered during those years.

But I also regret that there was … and still is … no effective way to prevent or treat AD, let alone cure AD.

And I regret that Clare started suffering from this horrible disease at such a young age.

I wish we would have traveled more and done other things together while doctors were misdiagnosing her with stress, anxiety, or depression for several years before she received an AD diagnosis.

I knew that AD could progress very quickly from diagnosis through end stages.  But I never expected Clare to proceed through those stages as fast as she did.

I regret that our fairy tale marriage came to an end so quickly.

Regret … sadly, I regret so many things too numerous to mention.  I guess that I regret everything about her AD.

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Suffering … Anyone with AD suffers … a lot … but an AD caregiver also suffers … a lot.  Caregivers watching their loved ones slowly “disappear” before their eyes suffer a great deal.

Unlike those with AD who forget those they once loved, their caregivers do not forget … caregivers remember what their lives were like only too well.  So many times, with Clare asleep and cuddled in my arms, I would just start crying.  Even when she no longer knew I was her husband.

Watching her decline was so very tough.

Some have referred to Alzheimer’s disease as thee “long goodbye” … but it is also a very short goodbye because it is often common for someone with AD to linger on with loved ones without knowing who their loved ones are … or were.

Being married and widowed at the same time is very stressful.

Suffering … one definition of suffering is pain.  I was in daily pain while watching Clare slip away from me.  All people watching their loved ones dying of AD are suffering and dealing with daily pain.